National Macadamia Nut Day

Avoid any macadamia nuts recently recalled for salmonella contamination. Salmonella is not something you want. Do not pursue it. Educate yourself on foodborne illnesses. Live in fear. Maybe eat some potato chips.

Labor Day

Learn a little of the history of Labor Day from the US Department of Labor. Have a backyard barbecue. Collect all your bills, notices, and reminders of outstanding student loans. Burn them. Flee the country. Enjoy your new life.

National Read A Book Day

Go to your local bookseller and/or public library and marvel at the spectrum and enormity of human experience – real and fantastic – collected in printed matter. Return home to watch Netflix. 

National Salami Day

Bring an assortment of delicious salami to work and share it with your coworkers. Tell them all about the history of salami. Become everyone’s favorite person in the office. Call your parents to tell them what a success you are.

National Ampersand Day

Substitute an ampersand for the word “and” in every written document you produce. Dazzle your colleagues with your knowledge of the ampersand’s history and your uncompromising aesthetic sense. Befriend James Franco. Write an award-winning series of renga with him.

National Teddy Bear Day

Skip work today. Stay home and arrange all your teddy bears on your bed. Tell them about the history of the teddy bear. Stare into their glass-bead eyes searching for hints of life. As you leave the room, hear them faintly whisper about you among themselves. Turn abruptly to find only silence. Sleep on the couch tonight.

National TV Dinner Day

Go to your grocery store and purchase all the TV dinners. Invite your friends over for a “kitschy” TV-dinner party. Regale your guests with the history of the TV Dinner. Have a thoughtful conversation about post-war gender roles. Watch some reality TV. Feel conflicted.

Have a frank and productive week, everyone!