Talk Like a Pirate Day – September 19, 2017

Throw away your eyepatch and your tri-cornered hat. That’s some bush league shit right there. You’re no amateur. You’re better than that. You know it in your heart. Today you show the world. 

Quit your job. Quit your family. Quit your daily life. Head to the nearest marina and commandeer the sailing vessel of your choice. Should you encounter any resistance, explain the nature of the day and your commitment to verisimilitude. Folks will understand. They may even applaud your efforts…

National Cheeseburger Day – September 18, 2017

Raise a proud middle finger to the cheeseburger industrial complex by treating yourself to an entire bucket of fried chicken. Finish the chicken in a single sitting while watching reruns of the classic American crime drama Hunter. Become enamored of Hunter star and former NFL defensive end Fred Dryer. Print a photograph of Fred Dryer’s face and adhere it to your now empty chicken bucket. Using pillows, a broomstick, duct tape, and old clothes, fashion a Fred Dryer “body” and secure it to your Fred Dryer bucket…

National Trail Mix Day – August 31, 2017

Resolve to leave the civilized world behind. You are a danger to yourself and others.

But first, stop for supplies.

Find a sporting and/or outdoor goods store. Avoid eye contact and conversation with any of the shop’s staff or your fellow customers – head down and hooded at all times.

Fill your cart with trail mix. Also: a tent, a sleeping bag, an emergency radio, water purification tablets, eight pairs of socks, eight pairs of underwear, three changes of clothes, hiking boots, a sun hat, a camp stove, a lantern, a compass, a hunting knife, a multi-tool, duct tape, climbing ropes, sunscreen, various toiletries, and a backpack (or two) to hold everything…