How to Celebrate This Week’s ‘National Days’: Sept. 25-Oct. 1


Sept. 25 – National One-Hit Wonder Day

Put together a playlist of your favorite one-hit wonders. Wonder whatever happened to those artists and bands. Comb through Wikipedia articles, sub-reddits, and forums, piecing together their stories. Remember that today is Sunday and tomorrow you must return to work. Realize that you have wasted precious hours investigating Right Said Fred. Write this piece of advice so others share your misfortune.

Sept. 26 – National Situational Awareness Day

Were you aware that today is National Situational Awareness Day? Congrats! You are now aware of the situation.

Sept. 27 – National Voter Registration Day

No silly stories or bad advice. Please register to vote today. It’s easy. You can even do it in Snapchat! When you vote, they give you a sticker. How many other opportunities do adults get to earn stickers?

Sept. 28 – National Drink Beer Day

Drink some beer. Drink a lot of it. If anyone tries to intervene, tell them the Internet said it was okay. Drink until you’re handsome and charming. Drink until other people are handsome and charming. Beer is magic!

Sept. 29 – National Coffee Day

It’s no coincidence that yesterday was National Drink Beer Day. Realize that you are not as handsome and charming as Beer led you to believe. Go to a diner where people sit alone at the counter listening to Tom Waits. Drink a cup of shitty coffee and swear never to drink beer again. Make eye contact with another patron and, for a moment, see into the heart of the universe. Embrace your new soulmate. Coffee is also magic!

Sept. 30 – National Chewing Gum Day

Buy a pack of gum. Chew the gum. When you are finished chewing the gum, don’t spit it on the ground or affix it to a surface. Instead, use its own wrapper to dispose of it in a trash receptacle. There. You are now a decent human being.

Oct. 1 – National Ghost Hunting Day

Quit your job. Spend what savings you have on ghost-hunting equipment and a panel van. Drive across the country with a small group of friends, solving mysteries, but never actually finding ghosts. Feel deeply fulfilled all the same.