How to Celebrate This Week’s National Days: Oct. 9 – 15, 2016

Welcome to another week, friends. Let’s see what’s on the calendar.

Oct. 9 – National Chess Day

Learn to play chess. Head to your local park and take on all the old men whom you’ve watched play chess and never bothered to speak to for all these years. Lose to all of them. Did you really think you’d learn chess in one day? These guys have been playing for years. Enjoy a valuable life lesson.

bart simpson plays chess.gif — Man: “That little boy is playing three games at once.” Players: “Check,” “check,” “check.”

Oct. 10 – Indigenous Peoples’ Day

Read up on the competing theories of which European and/or Asian explorers were first to “discover” America. Ask yourself, how can someone discover something when there are already people there? Walk into your living room and discover the couch. Force anyone already sitting on it to sit on the floor and, while they’re at it, hand over their snacks and drinks, too.

Oct. 11 – National Coming Out Day

Come out if you feel like it. Don’t come out if you don’t feel like it. Don’t let an arbitrarily appointed day or hashtag dictate your life choices. Do the things that will make you happy when they will make you happy. Try not to force others into choices they’re not ready for.

Oct. 12 – National Farmer’s Day

Drive out into the countryside until you happen upon a farm. Approach the farmhouse and introduce yourself to its occupants. Over dinner, regale everyone with fanciful tales of city life. Fall in love with the farmer’s son or daughter. In the night, slip away back to the city and your responsibilities. 20 years later, reflect on that night and what might have been. Purchase a new television to mollify your regret.

Oct. 13 – Train Your Brain Day

Get really freaked out about your diminishing mental acuity. Download a bunch of brain training apps to your phone. Harbor some doubts as to their efficacy, but stay dedicated to your training for at least a week. Notice a pretty bird. Now, notice a car in an unusual color. Isn’t ice cream nice? Watch television.

Oct. 14 – National Dessert Day

If you struggle with “dessert” versus “desert,” learn this handy little piece of nonsense about spelling: “Dessert” –the one with the chocolate mousse – has the double S because you’re going to want seconds. Reflect that this is awfully presumptuous about one’s appetite and the quality of the desserts on offer. Have a third slice of pie.