This week gets a little weird. No worries. We’ve got a few helpful tips on how to celebrate each “national day.”
Oct. 23 – National Mother-in-Law Day
Take your mother-in-law out for a nice brunch. Listen to her stories of how her own marriage went terribly wrong or terribly right. Order as many desserts as possible and continue staring blankly, wordlessly at your mother-in-law as she regales you with her stories. When it’s your turn to speak, simply open your mouth and let desserts fall onto your lap and table. Enjoy a holiday season without your mother-in-law.
Oct. 24 – United Nations Day
Play Model UN with your colleagues, assigning each person a country of their own (which they must cosplay). Go on a Model UN field trip together and, while in the bus, have a fruit race (go, banana!) that blinds your bus driver, forcing your bus into the ocean. End up stranded on an island with nothing to eat but a small cooler of snacks. Agree to ration the remaining snacks carefully, but awake in the morning to find all snacks eaten or destroyed. Blame a member of your group for this betrayal and chase them around the island in murderous rage. Find out the actual culprit was a warthog. Eat the warthog. Be saved by, oh…. let’s say… Moe.
Oct. 25 – Chucky, the Notorious Killer Doll Day
Purchase a large quantity of toddler-sized, lifelike dolls. Arrange the dolls around your home as though they’re engaged in everyday activities – doing the dishes, cleaning the catbox, watching TV, etc. Invite a coworker over for dinner and say nothing about the dolls before, during, or after the occasion. Enjoy never having to attend a work-related social engagement again.
Oct. 26 – National Pumpkin Day
Head to your local pumpkin patch and find the largest group of pumpkins you can. Lay down among them, stare up at the sky, and imagine what it’s like to be a pumpkin. After a few hours, select the most attractive pumpkin to take home. Assign your pumpkin a name and personality traits. Fall in love with your pumpkin. In the coming weeks, watch as your beloved pumpkin succumbs to decay. Grieve, but be grateful for having known love.
Oct. 27. – National American Beer Day
Drink some American beer. Crush beer cans on your forehead. Dig yourself deep into a debt. Drink more beer until you eradicate any knowledge you may have had of foreign countries and cultures. Fail to sort your recycling and ignore composting entirely. Deny global climate change. America!
Oct. 28 – National Chocolate Day
Head to the store and purchase a shopping cart’s worth of chocolate and chocolate candies. At home, hide chocolates in unexpected places – behind a book, under a lamp, in every drawer and cabinet – so many places that you couldn’t possibly remember them all. Live the rest of your days in delight and discovery as you happen upon hidden chocolates whenever you go about your daily business.
Oct. 29 – National Cat Day
Head to your local animal shelter and adopt every cat. Convert your home into a playground for cats. Begin to dress as a cat. Speak only in mews, purrs, and hisses. Get fired from your job. To supplement your income, charge admission to your home so that others may enjoy your cats. Watch as your visitors eschew their human lives for the ways of the cat. This is how the revolution begins.