Welcome to another week, everyone. Here are our tips for making the most of the next seven days.
Sept. 18 – National Cheeseburger Day
Wasn’t National Double Cheeseburger Day last week? Call shenanigans on the burger industry. Express your distaste for their national-day-grubbing ways by having yourself a nice tub of fried chicken.
Sept. 19 – National Talk Like A Pirate Day
For maximum authenticity, develop scurvy. Your bleeding gums, lost teeth, and shortness of breath will lend a verisimilitude to your performance that none of those eyepatch-wearing poseurs in Accounting could ever hope to achieve. Fucking amateurs.
Sept. 20 – National Punch Day
Sept. 21 – National Pecan Cookie Day
Bake a lovely batch of pecan sandies for the office. Enjoy the adulation of your peers. Confess a longstanding crush to a colleague and find your feelings returned. Give a great presentation, send an awesome email, do great work. Generally win the day. That is the gift pecans give.
Sept. 22 – National White Chocolate Day
Bring a bunch of white chocolate nonsense to work. Wait for that one person to clarify that white chocolate is not, in fact, chocolate. Spring the trap! Leave the body behind as a lesson to everyone.
Sept. 23 – National Great American Pot Pie Day
Spend the entire day making various pot pies. Never feel quite satisfied with your output. It’s GREAT American pot pie day, not kind of alright American pot pie day. Feel lonely.
Sept. 24 – National Punctuation Day
Add extra exclamation points to every sentence in every email, tweet, or message you write today. Enjoy a newfound feeling of joy and enthusiasm. Believe that you are perceived as an upbeat, fun-loving individual. Ignore any evidence to the contrary.
Have a frank and productive week, everyone!