How to Celebrate This Week’s National Days: October 31 – November 5, 2016

Oct. 31 – Halloween

Today is Halloween. We believe you know the drill.

Nov. 1 – National Calzone Day

Head to the closest Sbarro restaurant and order a calzone. As you make your way through the line, wonder how many people have held the very same tray you’re holding now. Were they happy people? Sad people? Conclude that everyone who previously held your tray must have been simply ecstatic, because calzones are the fucking best.

Nov. 2 – National Deviled Egg Day

Call any family member born prior to 1960 and ask them how to make deviled eggs – only folks born before 1960 will know. Take notes. Allow the conversation to follow a tangent into current American politics. Refrain from sharing your own political viewpoints or challenging any statements with which you disagree. Thank your family member for the recipe. Ponder whether conversations like this are why young people rarely make deviled eggs anymore.

Nov. 3 – National Sandwich Day

Throw a sandwich-making party. Procure several loaves of various types of bread and a variety of beverages. Invite your friends over, asking them to bring along their favorite sandwich makings – cold cuts, cheeses, jams, pickled nonsense, etc. Put on some music and get busy making sandwiches together, experimenting with food combinations, trying each other’s concoctions, and generally having a great time. Attempt a metaphor about friendship being a sandwich, drawing only half-hearted, mollifying laughter. Quietly feel embarrassed and resentful for the rest of the evening.

Nov. 4 – National Stress Awareness Day

Hey. Are you stressed? Seriously, take a moment to think about it. Stress ain’t great.

Nov. 5 – National Doughnut Day

Head to your local doughnut shop and order one dozen assorted donuts. Walk around town with your box of doughnuts, offering one to every person you come across in your travels, like some kind of itinerant doughnut-Santa Claus. See how many strangers will take a doughnut from you. Live forever in the hearts of the people.

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