International Left-Handers Day – August 13, 2017

How to Celebrate International Left-Handers Day

If you’re a left-handed person, congratulations: today is your day. Demand acknowledgment from your friends, family, and peers. The world is a more challenging place for you and the 15% of the population who are your brethren. Statistically speaking, puberty starts 4 to 5 months later for you lefties, your average lifespans are 9 to 14 years shorter than righties, and spiral notebooks exist simply to ruin your life.

If you’re a right-handed person, spend the day attempting to understand your left-handed brothers and sisters better. Wear an oven mitt over your right hand. Duct tape the mitt to your arm to eliminate any temptation to remove it. Use your left hand for all your normal activities – brushing your teeth, flipping through your phone, eating, and drinking.

Fumble awkwardly through the world. Become paranoid that others are mocking you. Feel their eyes judging your every graceless movement. Harbor resentment toward these unappreciative, oblivious jerks who flaunt their freedom to use their dominant hands.

Retreat from society. Schedule regular home deliveries of groceries and supplies. Invest your savings in cryptocurrency. Draw a face on your oven mitt. Name the oven mitt “Alan.”