How to Celebrate International Left-Handers Day
If you’re a left-handed person, congratulations: today is your day. Demand acknowledgment from your friends, family, and peers. The world is a more challenging place for you and the 15% of the population who are your brethren. Statistically speaking, puberty starts 4 to 5 months later for you lefties, your average lifespans are 9 to 14 years shorter than righties, and spiral notebooks exist simply to ruin your life.
If you’re a right-handed person, spend the day attempting to understand your left-handed brothers and sisters better. Wear an oven mitt over your right hand. Duct tape the mitt to your arm to eliminate any temptation to remove it. Use your left hand for all your normal activities – brushing your teeth, flipping through your phone, eating, and drinking.
Fumble awkwardly through the world. Become paranoid that others are mocking you. Feel their eyes judging your every graceless movement. Harbor resentment toward these unappreciative, oblivious jerks who flaunt their freedom to use their dominant hands.
Retreat from society. Schedule regular home deliveries of groceries and supplies. Invest your savings in cryptocurrency. Draw a face on your oven mitt. Name the oven mitt “Alan.”
Links & Learning
The Internet has a lot to say about left-handers.
- International Left Handers Day: 13 Things You Only Know If You Are Left Handed – Metro UK
- 10 Surprising Benefits of Being Left-Handed – Reader’s Digest
- What Being Left-Handed Says About Your Personality – Huffington Post
- 10+ Pics That Reveal the Horrors of Being Left-Handed – Bored Panda
- Sinister Minds: Are Left-Handed People Smarter? – The New Yorker
- Why Are Some People Left-Handed? – Smithsonian
- 20 Little-Known Facts About Being Left-Handed – Health
Internet Shopping You Can Do From the Safety of Your Home
Novelty oven mitts available on Amazon.
- Animal claws/paws oven mitts
- This is fucking delicious oven mitt
- Lobster claw oven mitt
- I hate everyone too oven mitt
- Fish oven mitts
- Shark Oven Mitt
- R2D2 Oven Mitts
- Fuck this shit oven mitt
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