How to Celebrate Talk Like A Pirate Day
Throw away your eyepatch and your tri-cornered hat. That’s some bush league shit right there. You’re no amateur. You’re better than that. You know it in your heart. Today you show the world.
Quit your job. Quit your family. Quit your daily life. Head to the nearest marina and commandeer the sailing vessel of your choice. Should you encounter any resistance, explain the nature of the day and your commitment to verisimilitude. Folks will understand. They may even applaud your efforts.
Set a course for the eastern coast of Africa – a nation just beneath the Arabian peninsula. Depending on your current location, the trip may take some time. So, we hope you packed some sandwiches and some bottled water. We probably should have mentioned that before you quit your job or set sail. Sorry. Our bad.
Anywho, barring starvation and/or death from thirst, make your way to Somalia. Drop anchor at the port Mogadishu. Once ashore, continuously walk the streets, shouting in your loudest American English “I WANT TO BE A PIRATE!” at every passerby. Do this for three days.
On the third day, a young man will approach you. Yell “I WANT TO BE A PIRATE” at him. He will smile and nod and take your hand. Follow him.
Spend the next eleven months working aboard a Somali pirate ship. Learn Somali. Learn some Arabic. Maybe even learn a little Bravanese. But, most of all, learn the language of the sea – her songs, her moods, her breathless whispered dreams, her screaming rage.
In exactly a year, return to your home, your job, and your family to celebrate Talk Like a Pirate Day anew, and just rub your perfect pirate speech in their half-assed, jerk faces. Haha! You showed them.
Pirate outfits are for the birds. No, actually, cats.
Links & Learning
Can’t make it to Somalia? The Internet’s the next best thing.
- Q&A: Somali Pirate Explains How to Steal Ships – Newsweek
- How to Run Your Business Like a Somali Pirate – The Atlantic
- How Somalia’s Fishermen Became Pirates – Time
- 10 Things You Didn’t Know About Somali Pirates – The Wall Street Journal
- How to Be a Somali Pirate – Vice:
Piracy is not a victimless crime. Good thing FMTCD is free. Subscribe to FMTCD and get a regular dose of Certain Doom straight to your inbox.