bad advice

National Sponge Cake Day – August 23, 2017

Fire up Netflix and treat yourself to an extended marathon of The Great British Bake Off. Learn all about various types of sponge cakes. Form opinions about batters, icings, and soggy bottoms. Become deeply invested in the individual contestants and the outcome of the competition.

Take a break from your marathon to grab a beverage. Walk into the kitchen only to find a single, bare light bulb hanging from the ceiling, and an old stone pedestal with a shiny red button atop it standing in the middle of the floor.

Do not press the button. Close your eyes, take a deep breath, and focus. You’ve been here before. You’ve pressed the button before. You don’t want this…

National Radio Day – August 20, 2017

Hop in your car, fasten your seat belt, turn on the radio, and head toward the sunset. Let’s face it, whatever you were up to before this moment wasn’t all that great. This is better.

Your car is your personal anonymity device – you get in and you become no one. You don’t have to pretend to like your job, your colleagues, or your friends. You don’t have to pretend to be smart or confident or likable. When you remove yourself from the context of work, home, or relationships, you’re kind of nobody. Right now, you’re just another nameless driver on the road.

World Photo Day – August 19, 2017

Take a photo of where you are now. Take a photo of the people and/or things that surround you. Take a selfie. Post these photos to your preferred social media account.

While you wait for the likes and comments to roll in, scroll through your photo backlog. How many do you have? A thousand? More? Give the screen whirl and stop at a random moment from your past.

Find a group of pictures you don’t recall taking. They’ll begin with a series of landscapes – a blur of trees from a car window, an empty road stretching to the horizon, tall grass along a shoreline…

National Mail Order Catalog Day – August 18, 2017

Visit your nearest airport. Approach a ticketing counter and ask the airline representative for a copy of SkyMall. The representative will inform you that the SkyMall catalog is no longer in print. In fact, SkyMall filed for bankruptcy protection in 2015, only to be purchased by another company and resurrected as an online shopping destination. This new version of SkyMall lacks the whimsy and frivolity of its previous incarnation, stocking neither life-sized yeti statues nor replica swords nor two-person submersible watercraft designed to look like sharks.

National Grab Some Nuts Day – August 3, 2017

Stuff your pockets with assorted nuts of your choosing. Throughout the day, in the middle of any conversation, reach deep into your pockets and proffer your companion a handful of body-warmed, unwrapped, pocket nuts. Should they accept, know that your conversation partner is a dear friend and true. Should they refuse, immediately toss the nuts into their face and flee the scene. A person who refuses pocket nuts is no friend of yours.