If you’re a left-handed person, congratulations: today is your day. Demand acknowledgment from your friends, family, and peers. The world is a more challenging place for you and the 15% of the population who are your brethren. Statistically speaking, puberty starts 4 to 5 months later for you lefties, your average lifespans are 9 to 14 years shorter than righties, and spiral notebooks exist simply to ruin your life…
National Days
Hop in your car and cruise your town’s ritzier neighborhoods for a garage sale.
Protip: garage sales are sometimes referred to as “estate sales,” particularly when associated with negative life events such as divorce, bankruptcy, or death. So, bonus points for the opportunity to ghoulishly pick over the remains of another person’s life.
Find an estate sale, park your car, and make your way through the one man’s trash that may soon be your treasure. As you peruse the goods, imagine how the items fit together to tell the story of their previous owner’s life – a collection of commemorative thimbles, the complete Jim Nabors’ discography, a burlap sack of human hair…
Look at America’s president. Look at his tweets, look at his face. Try to construct a joke, but fail – any humor you once knew now crushed beneath an overwhelming sense of anxiety and dread…
blehhhhhhh……
Visit your local library and wander the stacks searching for your favorite books. When you find one, whip out a piece of scratch paper and scrawl a little note – something brief, but poignant – about how much the book meant to you. Tuck the note into the book’s pages and return it to its shelf.
Continue this process until, while leafing through the pages of another favorite, you happen upon a note from someone else…
Draw a cat on a piece of paper. Write the word “cat” beneath the drawing and hand it to the person sitting closest to you. Say, “I drew you a cat.” The person will smile and tell you what a great cat it is and that you are very talented at drawing. You will become friends…
Skip out on work today and take a road trip to the nearest lighthouse. Once there, demand to see the lighthouse keeper. You will know him immediately by sight – a tall man with a full, but well-kept beard, a stern face with bright eyes grey like the sea, blue like the sea, fickle like the sea. His eyes are very sea-like is what we’re saying.
Fall in love…
Spend the day fretting over your breath. Is it fresh? Is it clean? Does it offend in any way? Cup your hand to your mouth. Huff a bit. Take a sniff. What does your breath smell like? Coffee, cigarettes, beer, toothpaste? What was the last thing you ate? When was the last time you ate? Where are you, exactly?
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